Lucky

I am lucky.

I was driving home from my dad’s 48th birthday dinner. We went to this steakhouse - dim lighting, that heavy NYC–ribeye smell, chives everywhere. It was a mood. And for some reason, that night, I remembered One Day - the series remake of the Anne Hathaway movie. That scene near the end, when the British guy sits beside his mother as she’s dying of cancer. She tells him, “One day, you won’t be this lucky.”

And ever since I watched it, that line lodged itself somewhere inside me.

Humans… we’re always trying to get everything over with. The family gatherings, the work shifts, the creative projects, the 30-minute commute, the wait for your coffee. We rush moments away so we can hurry into the next one. But we forget to ask:

Do you know how lucky it is to be here?
To be here, now?

When the restaurant brought the cake out to sing happy birthday to my father, something in me whispered, “Take it in.” To see my dad turn 48 is lucky. To sit next to my brother and my mom - all of us together - after everything we’ve been through… that’s lucky too.

As we got up to leave, the hostess said, “You’re all such a happy family.”
And all I could think was, If only you knew what it takes to hold a family together.

When I hugged my parents goodbye and we pulled out into the cold night, my mind wandered to the things I keep wishing for - the romantic relationship, the best-friend-forever duo every woman imagines she’s supposed to have. I never flipped the perspective onto myself.

I’m lucky to have the family I have. These crazy-ass people.
I’m lucky to celebrate my parents’ birthdays.
Lucky to watch my siblings grow up.
Lucky that my mom is alive - smiling with her missing tooth.

In the car, I told myself,
Stewie, you’re in your Issa Rae “Insecure” moment - the montage where she sees all the places she’s moved forward in. This is probably the luckiest you’ve ever been.

So if I leave you with anything, let it be this:
Look at what you do have, not what you’re rushing toward.

I keep pushing this narrative that I need a romantic relationship (and it’ll come when it’s supposed to). But when I look at what I already have?
It’s family.
Messy, dysfunctional, loud, emotional, hilarious - but mine.

So happy birthday to anyone out there.
Because to see this day, truly, is lucky.

Xoxo,
Stewie D.